Akon: The Eternal Creeper

It seems to me that sexual icons that go for the whole playa/gangsta/pimpin thing are inherently creepers, the only differences being the stacks of money flying out of their pants, the forever-present draaank, the abundance of “whatever you smokin’ on,” the pimped-out cars, and their appealing group of friends who are just like them. Take, for example, the eternally creepy Akon, who has a limitless supply of hoes, somehow. It’s probably his new techno-influenced beats. Plus the added bonus that he’s super sincere, romantic, and probably mind-blowingly intelligent.

Or not. Akon is fundamentally confused about his existence, and rightfully so. Famous for his involvement in a car theft ring, his sexual exploitation of 14-year-old girls at shows, outbursts of violence, his new reality show about his relationship to his brother, and his overall “konvict” status, Akon seems to now have no idea who he really is. Most of the songs on the new album, Freedom, are about Akon the Badass (shown brilliantly in “Troublemaker”), Akon the Happy Dude (as in the vomit-inducing “Sunnyday”), Akon the Guy Who Got Out of Prison (displayed in the title track featuring the symbolically striking, ethnic-sounding pan flute), and Akon the Sex God (the 90’s electronica-tinged “Beautiful”). However profound and cultured he wants to sound, lyrics like “See, I’m that type of guy you won’t love. / I’m that type of guy you won’t cuff. / I’m that type of guy you daddy won’t let you go out, cause he thinks I sell drugs. / I’m that type of guy that will save ya. I’m that type that will call you later” show him for what he really is: confused, a little crazy, and sketchy as hell. This puts him on par with all other geniuses, ever.

A highlight of the album is his collaboration with T-Pain entitled “Holla Holla,” in which a heartfelt intro, complete with sweeping organ cadences, romantic acoustic guitar in the background, and Euroclub beats and synth lines set the listener up for a complete, sensual journey. The first verse fortifies the romantic atmosphere, alerting us to the fact that Akon and T-Pain have accoutrements galore: “We got plenty of drank, plenty plenty of water. / We got plenty of dank comin’ from Cali-ifornia.” The scene intensifies from here, with an unbelievably epic chorus focusing on the fact that Akon really wants to holla at this girl, and T-Pain’s really going to help him out, using his magically amplified and spliced voice to repeat that he does, in fact, want to holla at her (six times per chorus, to be precise). The beat is actually the best on the album, as it uses noises other than the hand clap, the poppy bass, and the 90’s synth sound. Despite some of the cool noises, the song ends up as a pseudo-R&B, pseudo-90’s Eurotrash attempt to seduce a girl. After all the yearnings for live lesbian action preceded by rollin’ out in a number of expensive cars in order to perform whichever sexual acts Akon and T-Pain are into (one can only imagine), I was left thinking about the word “holla,” and how (much like the word “lemon”) it lost its meaning after a certain number of repetitions, and now sounds like electronic mush to me.

The singles from this album, “I’m So Paid” and “Right Now (Na Na Na)” both feature the unsurprising, heavy synth, hand claps from all angles, and lyrical repetition of his other hit songs. For example, “Right Now” is just like his previous hit, “I Wanna Fuck You,” except this new song is much more urgent and slightly more emotional, as displayed by the constantly mutating, hurried, and repeated usage of the word “now.” It might actually be a sequel to his previous hit, or perhaps a clarification of intent. Yes, I do want to fuck you. No, not later. Right now, na, na, na, na. The bass-heavy, yet immaculately synth-fueled beat from pop-production purgatory also adds to the urgency and importance of the situation, as do lyrics like, “Just wish you could dine with me, / wish you could dine. / One that would grind with me, / ohh one that would grind.” The storyline here is made especially adorable because Akon happens to be pining for a hoe he had broken up with, and now wants back by his side, grinding and making love to him right now. What a man. How do you say no to that?

Despite having guest artists like Young Jeezy and Lil Wayne, the song “I’m So Paid” lacks something important: a point. Yeah, Akon has a lot of money. He sounds pretty happy, which is exhibited well by the happy melody, the cutesy arpeggiated synth background, and the mysteriously emotional attachment you will feel to money after having listened to both the original and remixed versions of this song, which are both on the album. I guess he really wanted everyone to know that he’s definitely been paid. Lil Wayne does a particularly disappointing job on this song, his voice even more bizarre than usual, his flow boring and slower than usual. The music video, however, is lovely, showing exactly how free Akon now feels as he enjoys his bountiful harvest of money, gliding over the open oceans with beautiful women, and basking in his infinite talent.

Akon himself said, “As soon as I conquer music, I can relax and focus on other things. Right now I’m strictly focusing on ‘Freedom.’’ Too bad Akon’s Freedom is not free at all, constraining itself to every trend in top 40 pop right now. Just mix electronic elements with cheesy lyrics, put a creeper on all the album art, add water, and gulp it down. Have fun conquering music, Akon!