Looking back at the first 19 years of my life, I realize that I had been living in a thick fog of depression, anxiety, and an intense desire to belong somewhere - anywhere. It’s just that…I don’t know…blankets are okay, but they can slip and slide, plus your hands are trapped inside. When I first saw the commercial for the Snuggie, I could hardly breathe for excitement. Here it was – the cure-all for my debilitating issues. A blanket with sleeves.
It wasn’t an easy journey getting to where I am now. I’ve been through hell since I realized that I had chronically cold arms and was in need of a Snuggie. First, my best friend from home got one, making me feel profoundly insignificant in the context of my life as a human being. He started showing signs of personal improvement, including the ability to snag his first real boyfriend (just two days after his Snuggie came in the mail!), lose weight rapidly due to the sweating associated with said blanket, and he now has improved dexterity caused by his newfound warm and liberated limbs. He also got a second Snuggie AND a blanket from the Snuggie people for free - a fleece blanket covered in cartoon cats, to be precise. I wondered if the fates were playing a cruel joke on me.
Why? I thought,
Why, oh why must I resign myself to a life free of mobility, warmth, comfort, and happiness? Am I doomed to be a failure? Why do my friends flaunt their superiority over me?Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, I prepared myself for the worst Valentine’s Day ever, convincing myself I would be the only girl at Oberlin without a comfortable blanket with arms to hold her all night long. I trudged right on over to the mailroom to find that my mom had sent me a box. Thinking it would be full of the usual health food, I brought it back to my room, slammed it down on the bed, and began to weep. But the moment of truth was neigh! I sat down, held my face in my cold, unblanketed hands, and just as I was about to lose it completely, I realized that maybe my mom had sent me some money in the package as well. So, I ripped it open and immediately cried out for joy. My mother had sent me a royal blue Snuggie with a complimentary reading light amongst the health food! My heart skipped a beat, and right then and there, I knew it. My life was on the up and up, and with the Snuggie secured to my arms (and my heart), I voyaged out into the world, only to find that not everyone values a blanket with sleeves.
I have heard several arguments against the validity of the Snuggie as a clothing item. Firstly, some find it to resemble a robe worn by Satanic cult members, ritualistic Scientologists, neon-clad monks, or wizards. The last person to try on my Snuggie reveled in the character that it exudes. Twirling the huge sleeves in front of his face, he muttered some spells from Harry Potter and by Jove! He was Harry Potter, if just for that moment in time. Snuggies can be used to increase creativity, and to aid in the progression of character-driven games, such as charades. Actors and actresses interested in “becoming” their character need simply to visit
https://www.getsnuggie.com, as long as their character wears robes. Creative writing majors can actively be their character while they have their arms free to write it all down. Also, if the cult you recently joined has an expensive uniform, just buy a Snuggie and fit right in anyway.
Others oppose the strange and deceptive Snuggie colors. “Royal blue” looks more like electric blue, and “sage green” resembles the color of thrown-up lentil soup, but the “burgundy” color does pretty much seem like a burgundy, and you can probably spill as much red wine on it as you want without anyone noticing. Not only this, but you can drink anything while wearing a Snuggie, since your arms are blissfully free. In fact, I overheard a couple girls talking about having a Snuggie party, and I have to say, it’s a great idea! Imagine Snuggie-clad Oberlin students with PBRs in one hand, joints in the other, and cigarettes in their mouths, having the best time ever with their arms free. Need I mention the fact that Snuggies come equipped with easy butt access. That’s the advantage of getting a Snuggie instead of a robe or extra-long poncho.
After all this raving, I must mention that there is a dark side to the Snuggie. If you want to sleep naked in one, I must warn you: I have never experienced as much static electricity as I have ever since I started doing this. Every time I touch pretty much anything: ZING! I shock myself, my boyfriend, my friends, animals, teachers, whoever. As with anything, however, there is an upside to sleeping naked in a static-y Snuggie. The electricity is audible as well as visual, and can be limitlessly entertaining. Just turn off the lights, get your ass in that Snuggie, and watch the fireworks show. You’ll never have to leave your bed for the 4th of July ever again!
I am more than satisfied with my Snuggie, especially since it was free. I haven’t been sad, angry, stupid, tasteless, lame, unsatisfied, bored, frustrated, or sleepy ever since I got it. We are all special, intelligent, and fascinating human beings. As long as our arms are adequately warm.
WOBC is the coolest radio station around, and this semester I have two super fun shows! "Remix Yr Life" (Sundays, 8-10 PM EST) is exactly what it sounds like: two hours of the illest beats and sickest remixes around town. My other show, "The Seventh Circle of Hell" (Fridays, 7-8 PM EST) is a death metal show, focusing on Scandinavian melodic death metal.
This double EP places the recognizable, warm brass and ukulele strumming of Santa Fe, New Mexico native Zach Condor’s band, Beirut parallel to Condor’s electronic side-project, Realpeople. Inspired by and written in Oaxaca, Mexico, March of the Zapotec feels distinctly robust and pure, the stately vibrato of the brass and effortlessly elegant, harmonic simplicity of the accordion mirrors the laidback feel of their previous, French-inspired album, The Flying Club Cup. The Mexican influence lies in the more complex rhythms and brass-centric melodic content, resulting in a sound far less poppy than any other Beirut release to date. Although the tuba and sometimes-abrasive rhythmic patterns (they are marches, after all), the warmer months to come will prove to be prime for listening to this EP – a truly vibrant melodic gem with just enough of Zach Condor’s rich, Serge Gainsbourg-inspired vocals to match the instrumental interest. “La Llorona” is the standout track, showing structural and motivic progression in an understated and truly beautiful way.
